getting over the unexpected shyness

I got a stage fright I realized a few days back. It’s terrible. I thought I was really up for this and yet I find all kind of excuses why I haven’t the time to sit down and write again. At some point I even tried to tidy up Lili’s room but that came to disaster. There seem to be entire universes on the 12 square meters and got lost among them for days completely loosing track of time and space till eventually I even lost track of myself. Moses fished me out from a doll party to which I have no recollection of getting to. Then he abruptly threw me out of the room and thanks to the super massive triple glaze window in the living room I didn’t end up flying all the way out to the playground. And maybe also thanks to my soft nature.

He is a very interesting person, for a bear. I think he is really cool and kind although with me he always seems to be the grumpy old guy. I guess it is a role he assumes over younger ones. Or just some younger ones… or maybe he feels threatened by me? Don’t know. Anyway, I think his constant mocking doesn’t help. But he is out today so it feels nice to write here. Gabor told me I can use the computer any time I wish. Take is he isn’t using it or about to be.

My life story! Moses told me I should stick with that. So be it.

My Life!

It all has begun very small I think. My first memory, and here I don’t mean the first thing that I can remember but sincerely the first thing that I remember. As far I know there was nothing before he picked me up and stared into my face for a whole 2 seconds before he turned me over a few times and did a whole bunch of other things, some of it was unpleasant. I didn’t mind though because that look was enlightening. He reached into my soul and I believe made something happen to me that I will always carry within. I was deemed perfect in those 2 seconds, in that moment when our eyes met.

The smartypants in the box at the end of the conveyer belt already said that he looked that way at everyone while we were waiting to be moved and boxed neatly for shipment. They weren’t there when I was. It wasn’t just quality control. I think the guy liked me for what I am. A toy. A bear. I think for a moment he wondered if he should take me home, give me to his little sister. Lots said since I am reading too much into an appreciating look. Maybe I do. But I love being so sentimental.

Eventually we were boxed and got a lift over to the harbor where we were loaded into containers with a whole bunch of other things like some talking dinosaurs who taught me English on the journey. Being loaded on the cargo ship was somehow exciting and oddly comforting, to know that our container was neatly packed among a thousand others shipping an amazing array of items to Europe. We left Shanghai sometimes in September if my memory is correct but it would be hard to say from inside a box.
Europe waited for me.